There’s nothing exciting or new in Two Jews, Talking, a one-hour off-Broadway show by Ed. Weinberger, writer and producer of The Mary Tyler Moore Show and co-creator of Taxi and The Cosby Show. But familiarity is the point of Two Jews, Talking, a showcase for its stars, beloved 1970s–80s TV vets Hal Linden (Barney Miller) and Bernie Kopell (The Love Boat).
The first act, “In the Desert,” is set in biblical times, where we find the men—Lou (Hal Linden) and Bud (Bernie Kopell)—wearing robes and sitting on boulders, taking a brief break from wandering the desert. You know, that desert.
Lou’s feet hurt (“Oy vey my fakakta feet”)—yours would too if you’d been wearing boots because you couldn’t find sandals in your size—and he can’t help but thinking that they’re lost. “L-O-S-T! LOST! We’ve been lost ever since we left Egypt.” Of Moses: “The man is lost. L-O-S-T. LOST! And not once in 30 years has he stopped and asked for directions.” (Lou spells out “L-O-S-T” for emphasis no fewer than five times.) He talks wistfully of his time in Egypt, especially “that orgy at Mt. Sinai.” Alas, Bud missed out. “Nobody told me,” he sighs.
[Read David Finkle’s ★★★☆☆ review here.]
So many women! So much food! Lamb, tongue, roast beef (“Leftovers from the sacrificial offerings,” Lou says), chopped liver, grapes and figs. “God I miss figs,” muses Bud. “I haven’t had a decent bowel movement since I left Thebes.” But now, there are too many laws for Lou’s liking. “It’s like living with my first wife,” he complains. And don’t get him started on the Ten Commandments: “I would have rewritten just about every one of them.”
“In the Desert” is almost as painful as Lou’s feet, and Kopell sounds like he’s reading his lines off a parchment scroll, but it’s mercifully short. “On a Bench,” the present day–set second act—which follows after a brief pause to remove the rocks and a withered Godot-like tree—is a little more sincere and a little less, well, fakakta. Even if it does start with two complete strangers talking about their nighttime urinary habits.
On a bench in Long Island, Phil (Kopell) and Marty (Linden) talk about their wives and children, go on a lengthy discourse about heaven, and discuss all things “gentile” and “Jewish.” On that last subject Marty is an expert: “Lexington Avenue is gentile. West End and 86th is Jewish.” Cue knowing laughter from the New York audience. “Grapefruit with breakfast is gentile. Grapefruit with dinner is Jewish.” Oh, there are so many more! “Sex with the man on top is gentile. Sex with the woman on top—that’s Jewish.” Because, Marty explains, “the husband has a bad back.” (A 1971 Tony winner for The Rothschilds and a seasoned stage performer, Linden is awarded most of the laugh lines in “On a Bench.”) The men also have a good time imagining extremely honest gravestone epitaphs: “Morris Pincus—once a schmuck, always a schmuck”; “Lillian Bender—faked every orgasm.”
Kopell and Linden—89 and 91 years old, respectively—play well off each other, and ensure that most of the jokes land. Sometimes it’s with a thud, but hey…at least they’re landing!
Two Jews, Talking opened Aug. 29, 2022, at Theatre at St. Clement’s and runs through Oct. 23. Tickets and information: twojewstalking.com
